Thursday, May 1, 2008


Authorities have declared party partners Kandice Melonakos and Elise Coker officially missing since Sunday, April 27th, where they were last seen cavorting with hot dogs in the VIP section of the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival. The disappearance was first reported when the stoked-to-party pair was conspicuously absent from Coachella's T-Mobile soiree and then again from the Jeremy Scott fiesta in Palm Springs. After repeated failure to show up at crucial parties, including 86 last night, alarm bells began to sound in Los Angeles.

"I knew something was wrong when I didn't see them for a week. Shit wouldn't be the same without those two little fluffily bobbing heads," said DJ Chris Holmes, wringing his hands nervously.

When questioned, friends and hipsters reported that the 20-year-old social butterflies, who are reportedly distant cousins, were on their way to yet another bonanza just before disappearing into the night. Although the party-hopping was not unusual, they don't have Blackberries.

"I think they heard about some super underground desert party," says BJ Panda Bear, "and they ditched me! So now they can't use my GPS! But I saw Agyness Deyn tonight," he added.

So what are the chances of survival? Although Coker, who is known for her nomadic lifestyle, is no stranger to roughing it, the same cannot be said for her purple cohort, who relies heavily on the power of magic purple crystals for survival.

A $10,000 reward and four lifetime tickets to Coachella have been offered to any person who can find the remnants of Coker and Melonakos, put up by Prince, who enjoyed their blog.

Totally Radd! has embarked on a quest to find the lost girls, primarily to get free tickets next year. Thus far, nothing has been found except two purple hairs stuck to the Palm Desert exit on the 10 freeway.

Rosa Mercuriadis, who has a plane, will also be participating in the search.

Saturday, April 5, 2008


Over two thousand copies of the estimable DJ Franki Chan's new mixtape, "Don't Look Back In Anger," were stolen yesterday from Chan's bedroom in the iheartcomix headquarters.

A last-minute webcam photo taken by roommate Travis Hayden as the burglars scrambled out revealed three flowing-haired, shirtless, skeletal bodies enshrouded in a whirlwind of scarves and necklaces. The mysterious photo has led authorities to suspect the L.A. Gypster Pirates, reported to have stopped on land for more tattooing supplies several days ago. The suspects are still at large.

Franki Chan, who spent hours in front of his tape player adeptly and agilely pressing "record" when his favorite songs came on the radio, was devastated. "The mixtapes were heartfelt. I was going to set up a stand to sell them on the street. I was going to give them out for free to special girls," he told us, huddled under his Spiderman sheets with tears in his eyes.

The tapes included 80's hits and insufferably vivacious tracks by grinning duo Matt and Kim; they are now available for free online.

Steve Aoki also reported 25 missing copies of his own mixtape, as did Keith 2.0, whose mix was entitled "Side Bangs." Gina Turner's mixtapes, safe at Joyrich and Dan Oh's house, were left untouched.

Sunday, March 30, 2008


Rony Alwin, LA's celebrated photoboothing pioneer, has decided to take the plunge and step down from his venerable position at the pinnacle of the party photography pyramid to pursue a more flexible career as a yoga instructor.

Why the sudden change? After launching his most recent brainchild, the tremendously successful softcore porn site,, Alwin realized his natural talent for repeatedly eliciting identical poses from naughty felinesque subjects.

"I have discovered within myself a commanding voice that enables me to skillfully mold the nubile bodies of young girls," Alwin said last Thursday, "and a certain lovable panda. Now not only can I shape them into little cats, but also downward facing dogs and cobras."

Bad Kitties Kitty's features mildly seductive photos of hip girls on all fours, on their backs with legs raised, and face down with their chests smooshed into the hardwood floor.

Alwin is reportedly always miserable at parties, despite his frequent "thumbs up" to make us believe otherwise. Thus, the expert documentarian will be peacefully and happily relinquishing his entire enterprise, to be taken over by an automated booth, in favor of the more serene career path.

Alwin will be offering private instruction sessions in the unfurnished hardwood floors of his studio.

Thursday, March 27, 2008


In competition with fellow child star Miley Cyrus' entrepreneurship with her Hannah Montana line in Target stores, Cory Kennedy will be embarking on her first true journey into the world of retail fashion by opening a couture line of "soiled chic" socks to be marketed at K-Mart stores across the country.

The line, called "Glumpoor," will be located exclusively in select K-Mart stores, and will sell socks inspired by Kennedy's recent eBay success story: a pair of the newly-legal it-girl's dirty Sparks-stained socks sold for $60 to an obsessive pedophile in Argentina.

"With her doe eyes and brown hair asunder, what tween girl could possibly resist the allure of Cory Kennedy brand socks?" said Jeremy Scott, friend and K-Mart-inspired fashion designer who often dresses the it-girl.

The socks are pre-stained on the soles in an orange/brown hue to recapture that party vibe Cory is so adored for.

The line will be marketed in Japan as well, featuring Kennedy's sidekick Maggy Rogow, who is famous there.

A special korner for the socks will also be allotted in Joyrich.


Someone had to do it, and Sarah Morrison, widely acclaimed YouTube sensation and internet superstar, finally will be; the 28-year-old It Girl veteran has released plans to begin building Camp Morrison, a summer camp for young aspiring internet celebrities.

Morrison, whose unique YouTube videos convey her scintillating observations on subjects ranging from boys to internet it-girls, has created a nationwide stir with her girlish allure and erratic speech patterns. She also receives widespread attention for her juicy blog detailing her interactions with Steve Aoki, Franki Chan, anyone related in any way to them, and any tale serving to prove the point that she surely is famous on the internet.

Since her retreat into the backwoods of Pennsylvania, Morrison has been hard at work developing the It-Girl training school and sleepaway camp.

Said Morrison rapidly, "I got the idea after realizing how much clout I had on the internet. My latest protégé, Sky, started blowing up after I endorsed her! Now the world is at her feet. Underneath mine, of course."

Morrison herself will be teaching many of the core classes of the program, on subjects such as getting in with the right crowd, endearing oneself to the camera, dating party documentarians, bamboozling bouncers, and tongue-extending.

Although the official agenda has not yet been revealed, Edie Sedgwick and Jonah Hill are rumored to be making appearances as celebrity guests and potential instructors. Maggy Rogow, who is famous in Japan, will be teaching the beginners program.

BJ Panda Bear will be the camp's mascot.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008


Legendary pop prince Prince announced at LAX on Sunday that he will be joining the Steve Aoki empire by signing with the moustached Asian's record label, Dim Mak Records. During Aoki's DJ set, the two bobbed up and down, flung their hair around to the music together and grinned enthusiastically for prolonged periods of time to demonstrate their excitement.

"I love Prince!" Aoki shouted, removing one headphone to hear the question.

However, Dim Mak employee Jeff, the door guy at Aoki's Cinespace on Tuesdays, isn't such a happy camper. He is known by the hoards of people vying weekly for his attention outside Cinespace for his Prince-like get-up, including extravagant hats, carefully grown facial hair, and snappily coordinated fur and silk ensembles. When we asked him about his emotions, Jeff told us, "Prince and I are in direct competition now. There's only room for one of us at this record label."

So what's next for the stylish little doppelganger?

Sources say the two are secretly planning a dance-off tonight at Cinespace. The winner gets a statue erected in the center of the smoking area at the club. The loser must intern for Dim Mak indefinitely.

Saturday, March 22, 2008


Totally Radd!!, completely awesome LA musical quartet quintet infamous for their exorbitant amounts of testosterone excretion, is now facing charges from females and males around the globe for breaking hearts--literally.

Immediately following each of their fully righteous demonstrations of musical prowess, the band, consisting of Neil Schuh, Adam Villacin, Tyler Thacker, and Rob Banks, and Michael Gold, is swarmed by followers enraptured with the super tubular band's masculine vibrations. When these five strapping beefcakes embrace their fans, it has been reported that their muscles flex involuntarily, causing crushing of the ribs and, in many cases, crushed hearts. Over 100 cases of this have been reported.

The initial lawsuit was filed by an anonymous Oklahoma teen and soon other crushed fans followed her lead.

"It's difficult to restrain our gifts from Father Nature," stated Schuh, the absolutely stellar band's frontman and mastermind. "But we will do our best to repair the damage that has been done," chimed in Thacker. Gold nodded in agreement.

When computerist Villacin was questioned about his expectations for the outcome of the case, he simply unbuttoned his shirt.

Thursday, March 20, 2008


Teddy's, the sophisticated and trendy Hollywood hotspot in the Roosevelt Hotel, founded in 1920 by primeval hipster Theodore Roosevelt, has announced plans to implement a new attraction for the masses of youngsters denied at its iron gates. Despite facing rejection from entry into the chic nightclub, which is frequented by the likes of Rosa Mercuriadis, fashion-forward youngsters gather in the lobby and on the steps outside to smoke Parliaments and stroke each other's fur coats.

David and David, key promoters for Friday nights at Teddy's, came up with the plan when they noticed the children playing Duck Duck Goose and Patty Cake to entertain themselves as their older friends danced inside. "Our hearts went out to them," they said in unison, "so we thought, 'why not give the huddled masses something to get them through the night?'"

The Roosevelt hotel has approved a plan to install gumball machines, a soda fountain, and live entertainment from local clowns, magicians, and mimes. Children will now be able to enjoy age-appropriate fun while still experiencing the thrill of a night at the Roosevelt.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008


Mic Becker, the fresh-faced nightlife guru behind classy rock'n'roll and soul evenings at La Poubelle and 86, has legally changed his name to his DJ handle, "Mic...Beck..." When spoken aloud, the ellipses must be acknowledged by an appropriate three-beat pause.

"It's distinctive... like old bourbon..." said Beck...


New glow-in-the-dark stickers will add an effervescent touch to shows by the internationally renowned DJ duo, Justice. The stickers will be visible on the Parisian pair's state-of-the-art laptops during blackouts in their understated light show. Their already captivating live performances, which attract thousands of fans, including Brittny Moore and party documentarian William Galindo, will now have a touch of the night sky.

"Just watching those geniuses stand there and DJ has always been a religious experience for me, but with these new visuals, man, they even outdid Daft Punk on this one," says one excited fan.

The decals, which are in the shape of Justice's trademark cross, will be on sale at Joyrich, along with free Cobrasnake stickers.